So much of my discomfort with organized religion is the need to perform. Is the space much different than a play if one must act to keep the whole thing going? When is the curtain call?
This part stopped me in my tracks: As Black women lead the charge in new entrepreneurship, how many can say that they received seed money from their church? This is such an astute observation because many times, these new businesses are hiring people, often other Black women in the community, who, in turn, can care for children and the tailored interests of the community. These are the exact things we expect churches to focus on. So many thoughts. Thank you for sharing. It's no wonder more people than ever are cultivating their own relationship with God away from houses of worship.
Also, your "in their best below-the-knee fashions" made me snort-laugh
Yes and Amen. Unfortunately, this is true. Also, women face the same corporate biases, favoritism, classism, etc. based upon how much and how consistent you pay tithes and offerings, your talent or whatever skills you have to “advance the kingdom” all on a volunteer basis. Hours upon hours, days, months & years. Community is there but it’s not always healthy and community is also in other healthier places.
Wow I agree with so much that you said! I’ve been thinking about a lot of what you mentioned since I saw that TikTok of that 17 year old girl smh. It triggered me in such a way because I experienced something similar at that same age. My heart aches for her especially if she continues to stay in that environment any longer.
This has been fresh on my mind since the viral clip of the young lady apologizing for being pregnant. 🤦🏾♀️ I had amazing experiences in church but as I grew spiritually and questioned God it became harder to stay. I never actually felt like I belonged there. So much of our history is grounded in it as a gathering place; to seek communion, organize, and safety. But while it’s all those things it can also be none of those things. We are too vulnerable in those spaces and too many figure-heads lack the integrity and discipline to lead.
That video infuriated me, I cannot lie. And was one of the reasons I brought this piece here. We are so vulnerable everywhere and the church is one of those places where the preying feels particularly insidious. Thank you for hearing me and feeling me. It can be a sobering truth to hold alongside the memories of youth choir, convocations, etc…that often felt very joyful.
It was this for me “She denies herself affection, opportunities and any semblance of a social life in exchange for the land of milk and honey.”
So many Black women who are committed to this programming often end up uphappy, lonely, or bitter because they were never “allowed” to live the life they were born to live.
I remember encountering religious Black women and succumbing to their beliefs that if I just lived holy enough, then I too, would be married and could enter the land of everlasting prosperity.
Not only did my allegiance to religion hinder my relationship with God, but I found myself worse off. Much more judgmental, less empathic and far removed from anything that authentically resonated with me.
This was an excellent piece. It’s time we have the conversation because too many lives of Black women have come to ruin due to these harmful and controlling ideologies.
You describe white patriarchy from white fundamentalists that was adopted by Black people in their churches. We mimicked their culture because so much of ours was lost, left behind. They have the same stories in their churches when it comes to women. It had to come from somewhere.
I was just going to say this. This is also why folks who are “deconstructing “ their faith also need to “deCOLONIZE” their faith. We learned everything from the religion of whiteness( a recommended read, btw) threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good. We ended up doing the exact same thing the white church did only in black skin.
whew. "threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good" is sitting somewhere nice with me! there is a lot in both of these comments that I know are true.
I wish there were more decolonizing going on than the deconstructing...or at least decolonizing first, because I believe people will find that not as much deconstruction is necessary once they've done that. The faith is solid...the dogma and religious traditions around it can be deeply problematic.
This post is so insane in the best way. It's something so apparent but never discussed. I do have a problem with the church or organized religion as a whole because of this exact reason - the sheer blind faith that is usually taken for granted. Thank you for this amazing piece of work.
#1 I think it’s important to set boundaries in any environment you’re in.
#2 Also I would caution anyone serving in church to do it solely for God. If you’re serving in exchange for blessings or approval from man you will always lose.
Whew, this is heavy—because in all honesty, this is the weight we carry. The weight of being both essential and invisible. The weight of giving endlessly while receiving little in return. The tension of suppression and overexertion, of silence and service, of being expected to show up, work, sacrifice, and pour into a system that too often refuses to pour back into us.
The contradictions are glaring—the double standards, impossible expectations, and the unspoken rules that determine whose struggles are addressed and whose are ignored. The way singleness becomes hyper-visible in spaces where we’re told to “come as we are,” but only if we fit into a mold that was never designed with us in mind.
That’s why I always tell people: relationship over religion. Because if you don’t know God for yourself, you will end up equating His character with the failures of His people. If you don’t seek Him outside of church walls, you will mistake institutional silence for divine indifference.
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We have been conditioned to expect stagnation from the church while demanding progress everywhere else. We hold businesses, schools, and governments accountable for failing our communities—but somehow, we excuse the very institution that demands the most from us yet gives the least in return. Why?
Why do we accept that Black women, the backbone of the church, are rarely the beneficiaries of the very prosperity we’re told to sow into?
Why do we expect that leadership positions for women come with silence, not power?
Why do we watch Black women serve faithfully, only to end up burned out, broke, and alone—told that their faith just wasn’t strong enough?
These aren’t attacks; they’re necessary questions. Uncomfortable but urgent conversations. Because faith should not demand our humanity in exchange for belonging. It should not ask us to shrink, to silence our needs, or to bear the weight of entire communities without support.
I still believe in the power of community and the necessity of assembling together. But I will always remind people to know God for themselves—to seek His heart beyond the institution, so they don’t mistake man’s expectations for God’s grace.
Because grace does not demand burnout. Grace does not overlook, silence, or diminish. Grace sees. Grace restores. Grace gives back. And if the church refuses to reflect that, then the church itself has work to do.
Thank you for cracking the door on this discussion. It’s long overdue. There are many Black women who deal with these issues but don’t want to run from the church or abandon their faith. The timing for me finding it is great also. I am starting a Substack, UNshaken. UNalone., for real-talk like this — Black women navigating faith/church disappointments and spiritual resilience. We’ve suffered through a lot in the name of being good church girls/women that is unreconcilable with the way Christ intended us to live this out. It’s up to us to connect with Christ despite the institutional waywardness.
This was suchhhh a good read! And great questions that need to be answered! All for the sake of “not forsaking assembly” huh? Isn’t that something. Enduring all this, plus a pastor who may or may not be (the latter is more often than not) actually teaching + preaching the Word of God, purely. Because both Acts 7:48 & Acts 17:24 clearly state that God does not dwell in temples made with hands, because He knew how corrupt they were and would continue to be. Why don’t people believe that means church buildings? He wants to dwell in our hearts— that He made with HIS hands, as WE are the church, the body. I fellowship with believers all over the country through a conference phone line that meets *every* night except Saturday. Intimate, relational, fellowship. True studying, teaching and preaching of the Bible. It’s beautiful! No building involved and we’ve even met on zoom for Passover, etc.
I know that there was a time, specifically during actual slavery, when being in the church was a necessity to keep fighting the good fight of faith. But honestly, once that was finally over… the role of the church had a lot more to do with politics and indoctrination than it did preaching the WORD and living how He intended.
Not to mention spending so much time in the church while not actually having a heart & attitude that shows the faith, love & belief claimed to have. I mean, wow. It’s so much to be said about the Black church fr. But I’ll end with this. Jesus told us through our brother Paul, come out from among them and be ye separate. Jesus didn’t come to bring religion, He came to teach Kingdom and invite us to the Kingdom of God. And kingdom & religion simply don’t mix!
This was a lot lol but thanks for writing this! Let’s keep exploring and uncovering / sharing these truths. 🩵🩵🩵
Man, totally agree. I was speaking to my father about this very topic. He has the old Christian mentality that everything is written, God chooses our leaders, and we have to covet and obey. The white supremacy spilling from his lips was shocking, to say the least. But, I know it was from years of indoctrination. Baby Boomers and Gen X were raised to fall in line and not ask questions. Us older millennials were built to question things. Now, the real question is, is Christianity our religion, or was it given to us?
As a former church girl and a daughter of a Black woman who dedicated her whole life to the church , I’ve never seen my frustrations and criticism laid out so clearly and thoughtfully.
I’ve personally watched the church fail my mother and her community countless times and watch her return time and time again thinking more faith and commitment would change the outcome .
Thank you for this because this is a conversation that is needed
I appreciate this post so much 🙏🏾 thank you for the necessary questions! I was raised catholic and I still admire the church for the way it gathers people in one place around the same purpose and values within a structure that is paid for and maintained by community. But i also resent the modern Black church for how little of that money it gives back to community and how it fails to use its resources (enough) to support black radical movements against modern day capitalism and colonialism. I wonder every day what we could have accomplished by now if churches opened their doors more to grassroots organizing and supported more community members who are on the brink of homelessness
I’m writing on a piece that touches on this briefly. I was a pastor of more than a dozen years. I’ve been in most of the major denominations. There are no lies here. My mom wanted to be a pastor when I was a child. But as a divorced woman the system only saw her as sometime to be used. She poured so much of herself into the church and all she got out of it was a diminished sense of self. Eventually she just bounced and converted to Judaism. I preached that if Christ was walking today, she would be a Black single mother raising sons in America because they are the people who we demand the most from and give the least. We have been so messed up by all of this and need to address it. For all the good it may have done, the Black church has way too many WS principles that it unconsciously adheres to. One person folks might want to look into is Bishop Yvette Flunder from City of Refuge in San Francisco. At a minimum, she would help push our collective boundaries of the institutional church.
So much of my discomfort with organized religion is the need to perform. Is the space much different than a play if one must act to keep the whole thing going? When is the curtain call?
This part stopped me in my tracks: As Black women lead the charge in new entrepreneurship, how many can say that they received seed money from their church? This is such an astute observation because many times, these new businesses are hiring people, often other Black women in the community, who, in turn, can care for children and the tailored interests of the community. These are the exact things we expect churches to focus on. So many thoughts. Thank you for sharing. It's no wonder more people than ever are cultivating their own relationship with God away from houses of worship.
Also, your "in their best below-the-knee fashions" made me snort-laugh
Yes and Amen. Unfortunately, this is true. Also, women face the same corporate biases, favoritism, classism, etc. based upon how much and how consistent you pay tithes and offerings, your talent or whatever skills you have to “advance the kingdom” all on a volunteer basis. Hours upon hours, days, months & years. Community is there but it’s not always healthy and community is also in other healthier places.
Wow I agree with so much that you said! I’ve been thinking about a lot of what you mentioned since I saw that TikTok of that 17 year old girl smh. It triggered me in such a way because I experienced something similar at that same age. My heart aches for her especially if she continues to stay in that environment any longer.
This has been fresh on my mind since the viral clip of the young lady apologizing for being pregnant. 🤦🏾♀️ I had amazing experiences in church but as I grew spiritually and questioned God it became harder to stay. I never actually felt like I belonged there. So much of our history is grounded in it as a gathering place; to seek communion, organize, and safety. But while it’s all those things it can also be none of those things. We are too vulnerable in those spaces and too many figure-heads lack the integrity and discipline to lead.
That video infuriated me, I cannot lie. And was one of the reasons I brought this piece here. We are so vulnerable everywhere and the church is one of those places where the preying feels particularly insidious. Thank you for hearing me and feeling me. It can be a sobering truth to hold alongside the memories of youth choir, convocations, etc…that often felt very joyful.
It was this for me “She denies herself affection, opportunities and any semblance of a social life in exchange for the land of milk and honey.”
So many Black women who are committed to this programming often end up uphappy, lonely, or bitter because they were never “allowed” to live the life they were born to live.
I remember encountering religious Black women and succumbing to their beliefs that if I just lived holy enough, then I too, would be married and could enter the land of everlasting prosperity.
Not only did my allegiance to religion hinder my relationship with God, but I found myself worse off. Much more judgmental, less empathic and far removed from anything that authentically resonated with me.
This was an excellent piece. It’s time we have the conversation because too many lives of Black women have come to ruin due to these harmful and controlling ideologies.
You describe white patriarchy from white fundamentalists that was adopted by Black people in their churches. We mimicked their culture because so much of ours was lost, left behind. They have the same stories in their churches when it comes to women. It had to come from somewhere.
I was just going to say this. This is also why folks who are “deconstructing “ their faith also need to “deCOLONIZE” their faith. We learned everything from the religion of whiteness( a recommended read, btw) threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good. We ended up doing the exact same thing the white church did only in black skin.
whew. "threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good" is sitting somewhere nice with me! there is a lot in both of these comments that I know are true.
I wish there were more decolonizing going on than the deconstructing...or at least decolonizing first, because I believe people will find that not as much deconstruction is necessary once they've done that. The faith is solid...the dogma and religious traditions around it can be deeply problematic.
This post is so insane in the best way. It's something so apparent but never discussed. I do have a problem with the church or organized religion as a whole because of this exact reason - the sheer blind faith that is usually taken for granted. Thank you for this amazing piece of work.
#1 I think it’s important to set boundaries in any environment you’re in.
#2 Also I would caution anyone serving in church to do it solely for God. If you’re serving in exchange for blessings or approval from man you will always lose.
Take care of yourselves ladies!
Whew, this is heavy—because in all honesty, this is the weight we carry. The weight of being both essential and invisible. The weight of giving endlessly while receiving little in return. The tension of suppression and overexertion, of silence and service, of being expected to show up, work, sacrifice, and pour into a system that too often refuses to pour back into us.
The contradictions are glaring—the double standards, impossible expectations, and the unspoken rules that determine whose struggles are addressed and whose are ignored. The way singleness becomes hyper-visible in spaces where we’re told to “come as we are,” but only if we fit into a mold that was never designed with us in mind.
That’s why I always tell people: relationship over religion. Because if you don’t know God for yourself, you will end up equating His character with the failures of His people. If you don’t seek Him outside of church walls, you will mistake institutional silence for divine indifference.
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We have been conditioned to expect stagnation from the church while demanding progress everywhere else. We hold businesses, schools, and governments accountable for failing our communities—but somehow, we excuse the very institution that demands the most from us yet gives the least in return. Why?
Why do we accept that Black women, the backbone of the church, are rarely the beneficiaries of the very prosperity we’re told to sow into?
Why do we expect that leadership positions for women come with silence, not power?
Why do we watch Black women serve faithfully, only to end up burned out, broke, and alone—told that their faith just wasn’t strong enough?
These aren’t attacks; they’re necessary questions. Uncomfortable but urgent conversations. Because faith should not demand our humanity in exchange for belonging. It should not ask us to shrink, to silence our needs, or to bear the weight of entire communities without support.
I still believe in the power of community and the necessity of assembling together. But I will always remind people to know God for themselves—to seek His heart beyond the institution, so they don’t mistake man’s expectations for God’s grace.
Because grace does not demand burnout. Grace does not overlook, silence, or diminish. Grace sees. Grace restores. Grace gives back. And if the church refuses to reflect that, then the church itself has work to do.
Thank you for cracking the door on this discussion. It’s long overdue. There are many Black women who deal with these issues but don’t want to run from the church or abandon their faith. The timing for me finding it is great also. I am starting a Substack, UNshaken. UNalone., for real-talk like this — Black women navigating faith/church disappointments and spiritual resilience. We’ve suffered through a lot in the name of being good church girls/women that is unreconcilable with the way Christ intended us to live this out. It’s up to us to connect with Christ despite the institutional waywardness.
This was suchhhh a good read! And great questions that need to be answered! All for the sake of “not forsaking assembly” huh? Isn’t that something. Enduring all this, plus a pastor who may or may not be (the latter is more often than not) actually teaching + preaching the Word of God, purely. Because both Acts 7:48 & Acts 17:24 clearly state that God does not dwell in temples made with hands, because He knew how corrupt they were and would continue to be. Why don’t people believe that means church buildings? He wants to dwell in our hearts— that He made with HIS hands, as WE are the church, the body. I fellowship with believers all over the country through a conference phone line that meets *every* night except Saturday. Intimate, relational, fellowship. True studying, teaching and preaching of the Bible. It’s beautiful! No building involved and we’ve even met on zoom for Passover, etc.
I know that there was a time, specifically during actual slavery, when being in the church was a necessity to keep fighting the good fight of faith. But honestly, once that was finally over… the role of the church had a lot more to do with politics and indoctrination than it did preaching the WORD and living how He intended.
Not to mention spending so much time in the church while not actually having a heart & attitude that shows the faith, love & belief claimed to have. I mean, wow. It’s so much to be said about the Black church fr. But I’ll end with this. Jesus told us through our brother Paul, come out from among them and be ye separate. Jesus didn’t come to bring religion, He came to teach Kingdom and invite us to the Kingdom of God. And kingdom & religion simply don’t mix!
This was a lot lol but thanks for writing this! Let’s keep exploring and uncovering / sharing these truths. 🩵🩵🩵
Man, totally agree. I was speaking to my father about this very topic. He has the old Christian mentality that everything is written, God chooses our leaders, and we have to covet and obey. The white supremacy spilling from his lips was shocking, to say the least. But, I know it was from years of indoctrination. Baby Boomers and Gen X were raised to fall in line and not ask questions. Us older millennials were built to question things. Now, the real question is, is Christianity our religion, or was it given to us?
As a former church girl and a daughter of a Black woman who dedicated her whole life to the church , I’ve never seen my frustrations and criticism laid out so clearly and thoughtfully.
I’ve personally watched the church fail my mother and her community countless times and watch her return time and time again thinking more faith and commitment would change the outcome .
Thank you for this because this is a conversation that is needed
I appreciate this post so much 🙏🏾 thank you for the necessary questions! I was raised catholic and I still admire the church for the way it gathers people in one place around the same purpose and values within a structure that is paid for and maintained by community. But i also resent the modern Black church for how little of that money it gives back to community and how it fails to use its resources (enough) to support black radical movements against modern day capitalism and colonialism. I wonder every day what we could have accomplished by now if churches opened their doors more to grassroots organizing and supported more community members who are on the brink of homelessness
I’m writing on a piece that touches on this briefly. I was a pastor of more than a dozen years. I’ve been in most of the major denominations. There are no lies here. My mom wanted to be a pastor when I was a child. But as a divorced woman the system only saw her as sometime to be used. She poured so much of herself into the church and all she got out of it was a diminished sense of self. Eventually she just bounced and converted to Judaism. I preached that if Christ was walking today, she would be a Black single mother raising sons in America because they are the people who we demand the most from and give the least. We have been so messed up by all of this and need to address it. For all the good it may have done, the Black church has way too many WS principles that it unconsciously adheres to. One person folks might want to look into is Bishop Yvette Flunder from City of Refuge in San Francisco. At a minimum, she would help push our collective boundaries of the institutional church.