So much of my discomfort with organized religion is the need to perform. Is the space much different than a play if one must act to keep the whole thing going? When is the curtain call?
This part stopped me in my tracks: As Black women lead the charge in new entrepreneurship, how many can say that they received seed money from their church? This is such an astute observation because many times, these new businesses are hiring people, often other Black women in the community, who, in turn, can care for children and the tailored interests of the community. These are the exact things we expect churches to focus on. So many thoughts. Thank you for sharing. It's no wonder more people than ever are cultivating their own relationship with God away from houses of worship.
Also, your "in their best below-the-knee fashions" made me snort-laugh
This has been fresh on my mind since the viral clip of the young lady apologizing for being pregnant. 🤦🏾♀️ I had amazing experiences in church but as I grew spiritually and questioned God it became harder to stay. I never actually felt like I belonged there. So much of our history is grounded in it as a gathering place; to seek communion, organize, and safety. But while it’s all those things it can also be none of those things. We are too vulnerable in those spaces and too many figure-heads lack the integrity and discipline to lead.
That video infuriated me, I cannot lie. And was one of the reasons I brought this piece here. We are so vulnerable everywhere and the church is one of those places where the preying feels particularly insidious. Thank you for hearing me and feeling me. It can be a sobering truth to hold alongside the memories of youth choir, convocations, etc…that often felt very joyful.
I remember encountering religious Black women and succumbing to their beliefs that if I just lived holy enough, then I too, would be married and could enter the land of everlasting prosperity.
Not only did my allegiance to religion hinder my relationship with God, but I found myself worse off. Much more judgmental, less empathic and far removed from anything that authentically resonated with me.
This was an excellent piece. It’s time we have the conversation because too many lives of Black women have come to ruin due to these harmful and controlling ideologies.
It was this for me “She denies herself affection, opportunities and any semblance of a social life in exchange for the land of milk and honey.”
So many Black women who are committed to this programming often end up uphappy, lonely, or bitter because they were never “allowed” to live the life they were born to live.
Yes and Amen. Unfortunately, this is true. Also, women face the same corporate biases, favoritism, classism, etc. based upon how much and how consistent you pay tithes and offerings, your talent or whatever skills you have to “advance the kingdom” all on a volunteer basis. Hours upon hours, days, months & years. Community is there but it’s not always healthy and community is also in other healthier places.
You describe white patriarchy from white fundamentalists that was adopted by Black people in their churches. We mimicked their culture because so much of ours was lost, left behind. They have the same stories in their churches when it comes to women. It had to come from somewhere.
I was just going to say this. This is also why folks who are “deconstructing “ their faith also need to “deCOLONIZE” their faith. We learned everything from the religion of whiteness( a recommended read, btw) threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good. We ended up doing the exact same thing the white church did only in black skin.
whew. "threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good" is sitting somewhere nice with me! there is a lot in both of these comments that I know are true.
I wish there were more decolonizing going on than the deconstructing...or at least decolonizing first, because I believe people will find that not as much deconstruction is necessary once they've done that. The faith is solid...the dogma and religious traditions around it can be deeply problematic.
As a former church girl and a daughter of a Black woman who dedicated her whole life to the church , I’ve never seen my frustrations and criticism laid out so clearly and thoughtfully.
I’ve personally watched the church fail my mother and her community countless times and watch her return time and time again thinking more faith and commitment would change the outcome .
Thank you for this because this is a conversation that is needed
#1 I think it’s important to set boundaries in any environment you’re in.
#2 Also I would caution anyone serving in church to do it solely for God. If you’re serving in exchange for blessings or approval from man you will always lose.
Wow I agree with so much that you said! I’ve been thinking about a lot of what you mentioned since I saw that TikTok of that 17 year old girl smh. It triggered me in such a way because I experienced something similar at that same age. My heart aches for her especially if she continues to stay in that environment any longer.
This post is so insane in the best way. It's something so apparent but never discussed. I do have a problem with the church or organized religion as a whole because of this exact reason - the sheer blind faith that is usually taken for granted. Thank you for this amazing piece of work.
Love the comparison of the institution of church as a business. This is true for many social institutions in Black community that are "intended" to uplift and enrich people., including schools and nonprofits. They often fail to balance thew needs of the business with those of the people it claims to serve, taking the position that the people should conform and contort to whatever shape is needed to make these service institutions *cough-businesses* appear successful, instead of the institution adapting to the needs of the people.
Would love to read your thoughts on the internal dynamics between married and single Black women in the church that perpetuate the status quo of false prestige.
Whew, this is heavy—because in all honesty, this is the weight we carry. The weight of being both essential and invisible. The weight of giving endlessly while receiving little in return. The tension of suppression and overexertion, of silence and service, of being expected to show up, work, sacrifice, and pour into a system that too often refuses to pour back into us.
The contradictions are glaring—the double standards, impossible expectations, and the unspoken rules that determine whose struggles are addressed and whose are ignored. The way singleness becomes hyper-visible in spaces where we’re told to “come as we are,” but only if we fit into a mold that was never designed with us in mind.
That’s why I always tell people: relationship over religion. Because if you don’t know God for yourself, you will end up equating His character with the failures of His people. If you don’t seek Him outside of church walls, you will mistake institutional silence for divine indifference.
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We have been conditioned to expect stagnation from the church while demanding progress everywhere else. We hold businesses, schools, and governments accountable for failing our communities—but somehow, we excuse the very institution that demands the most from us yet gives the least in return. Why?
Why do we accept that Black women, the backbone of the church, are rarely the beneficiaries of the very prosperity we’re told to sow into?
Why do we expect that leadership positions for women come with silence, not power?
Why do we watch Black women serve faithfully, only to end up burned out, broke, and alone—told that their faith just wasn’t strong enough?
These aren’t attacks; they’re necessary questions. Uncomfortable but urgent conversations. Because faith should not demand our humanity in exchange for belonging. It should not ask us to shrink, to silence our needs, or to bear the weight of entire communities without support.
I still believe in the power of community and the necessity of assembling together. But I will always remind people to know God for themselves—to seek His heart beyond the institution, so they don’t mistake man’s expectations for God’s grace.
Because grace does not demand burnout. Grace does not overlook, silence, or diminish. Grace sees. Grace restores. Grace gives back. And if the church refuses to reflect that, then the church itself has work to do.
This was suchhhh a good read! And great questions that need to be answered! All for the sake of “not forsaking assembly” huh? Isn’t that something. Enduring all this, plus a pastor who may or may not be (the latter is more often than not) actually teaching + preaching the Word of God, purely. Because both Acts 7:48 & Acts 17:24 clearly state that God does not dwell in temples made with hands, because He knew how corrupt they were and would continue to be. Why don’t people believe that means church buildings? He wants to dwell in our hearts— that He made with HIS hands, as WE are the church, the body. I fellowship with believers all over the country through a conference phone line that meets *every* night except Saturday. Intimate, relational, fellowship. True studying, teaching and preaching of the Bible. It’s beautiful! No building involved and we’ve even met on zoom for Passover, etc.
I know that there was a time, specifically during actual slavery, when being in the church was a necessity to keep fighting the good fight of faith. But honestly, once that was finally over… the role of the church had a lot more to do with politics and indoctrination than it did preaching the WORD and living how He intended.
Not to mention spending so much time in the church while not actually having a heart & attitude that shows the faith, love & belief claimed to have. I mean, wow. It’s so much to be said about the Black church fr. But I’ll end with this. Jesus told us through our brother Paul, come out from among them and be ye separate. Jesus didn’t come to bring religion, He came to teach Kingdom and invite us to the Kingdom of God. And kingdom & religion simply don’t mix!
This was a lot lol but thanks for writing this! Let’s keep exploring and uncovering / sharing these truths. 🩵🩵🩵
This is so sad. Thank you for sharing the perspective of a Black Woman in the church.
I did not grow up in the church, though I was exposed to several aspects of it in my younger years. But I was a hardcore atheist at a point, softened into an agnostic theist, and more recently have developed an unshakeable faith.
However, my faith only got to where it was because of doubt. I experienced a somewhat similar thing to you in my journey to find Christ, although I know I’m privileged as a man. But I felt that most religious spaces I went to did not create space for doubt. Without realizing that doubt is where faith becomes living.
I hopped around from the Presbyterians to the Baptists to the Quakers. And one common theme I found was the element of control. Obviously to lesser degrees in some places, but I felt an element of control everywhere I went. I just didn’t feel the freedom to say what I really thought and felt.
I recently wrote a series of posts examining the dynamics of love and control (please check it out if you’d like! It’ll give this comment so much more context). And while I hated control at first, I began to realize its necessity for living in a finite existence.
Basically, they are yin and yang. And what I gather from your post is that the Black church is beginning to create an upset in that balance, erring more on the side of control than love. Based on your description, I think it’s up to us to restore that balance. To speak up and fight for the rights of all the oppressed, just as is done throughout the Bible.
It just saddens me that in this case, the “oppressed” are our own women. I will be reflecting on your post a bit more.
So much of my discomfort with organized religion is the need to perform. Is the space much different than a play if one must act to keep the whole thing going? When is the curtain call?
This part stopped me in my tracks: As Black women lead the charge in new entrepreneurship, how many can say that they received seed money from their church? This is such an astute observation because many times, these new businesses are hiring people, often other Black women in the community, who, in turn, can care for children and the tailored interests of the community. These are the exact things we expect churches to focus on. So many thoughts. Thank you for sharing. It's no wonder more people than ever are cultivating their own relationship with God away from houses of worship.
Also, your "in their best below-the-knee fashions" made me snort-laugh
This has been fresh on my mind since the viral clip of the young lady apologizing for being pregnant. 🤦🏾♀️ I had amazing experiences in church but as I grew spiritually and questioned God it became harder to stay. I never actually felt like I belonged there. So much of our history is grounded in it as a gathering place; to seek communion, organize, and safety. But while it’s all those things it can also be none of those things. We are too vulnerable in those spaces and too many figure-heads lack the integrity and discipline to lead.
That video infuriated me, I cannot lie. And was one of the reasons I brought this piece here. We are so vulnerable everywhere and the church is one of those places where the preying feels particularly insidious. Thank you for hearing me and feeling me. It can be a sobering truth to hold alongside the memories of youth choir, convocations, etc…that often felt very joyful.
I remember encountering religious Black women and succumbing to their beliefs that if I just lived holy enough, then I too, would be married and could enter the land of everlasting prosperity.
Not only did my allegiance to religion hinder my relationship with God, but I found myself worse off. Much more judgmental, less empathic and far removed from anything that authentically resonated with me.
This was an excellent piece. It’s time we have the conversation because too many lives of Black women have come to ruin due to these harmful and controlling ideologies.
It was this for me “She denies herself affection, opportunities and any semblance of a social life in exchange for the land of milk and honey.”
So many Black women who are committed to this programming often end up uphappy, lonely, or bitter because they were never “allowed” to live the life they were born to live.
Yes and Amen. Unfortunately, this is true. Also, women face the same corporate biases, favoritism, classism, etc. based upon how much and how consistent you pay tithes and offerings, your talent or whatever skills you have to “advance the kingdom” all on a volunteer basis. Hours upon hours, days, months & years. Community is there but it’s not always healthy and community is also in other healthier places.
You describe white patriarchy from white fundamentalists that was adopted by Black people in their churches. We mimicked their culture because so much of ours was lost, left behind. They have the same stories in their churches when it comes to women. It had to come from somewhere.
I was just going to say this. This is also why folks who are “deconstructing “ their faith also need to “deCOLONIZE” their faith. We learned everything from the religion of whiteness( a recommended read, btw) threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good. We ended up doing the exact same thing the white church did only in black skin.
whew. "threw a whoop and a Hammond on it and claimed that good" is sitting somewhere nice with me! there is a lot in both of these comments that I know are true.
I wish there were more decolonizing going on than the deconstructing...or at least decolonizing first, because I believe people will find that not as much deconstruction is necessary once they've done that. The faith is solid...the dogma and religious traditions around it can be deeply problematic.
As a former church girl and a daughter of a Black woman who dedicated her whole life to the church , I’ve never seen my frustrations and criticism laid out so clearly and thoughtfully.
I’ve personally watched the church fail my mother and her community countless times and watch her return time and time again thinking more faith and commitment would change the outcome .
Thank you for this because this is a conversation that is needed
#1 I think it’s important to set boundaries in any environment you’re in.
#2 Also I would caution anyone serving in church to do it solely for God. If you’re serving in exchange for blessings or approval from man you will always lose.
Take care of yourselves ladies!
Wow I agree with so much that you said! I’ve been thinking about a lot of what you mentioned since I saw that TikTok of that 17 year old girl smh. It triggered me in such a way because I experienced something similar at that same age. My heart aches for her especially if she continues to stay in that environment any longer.
This post is so insane in the best way. It's something so apparent but never discussed. I do have a problem with the church or organized religion as a whole because of this exact reason - the sheer blind faith that is usually taken for granted. Thank you for this amazing piece of work.
Love the comparison of the institution of church as a business. This is true for many social institutions in Black community that are "intended" to uplift and enrich people., including schools and nonprofits. They often fail to balance thew needs of the business with those of the people it claims to serve, taking the position that the people should conform and contort to whatever shape is needed to make these service institutions *cough-businesses* appear successful, instead of the institution adapting to the needs of the people.
Would love to read your thoughts on the internal dynamics between married and single Black women in the church that perpetuate the status quo of false prestige.
POWERFUL piece 💪🏾 MY Momma dedicated her life to a denominational God via the COGIC and received absolutely NO ROI ✍🏾 PEACE be upon her 🕊️
Whew, this is heavy—because in all honesty, this is the weight we carry. The weight of being both essential and invisible. The weight of giving endlessly while receiving little in return. The tension of suppression and overexertion, of silence and service, of being expected to show up, work, sacrifice, and pour into a system that too often refuses to pour back into us.
The contradictions are glaring—the double standards, impossible expectations, and the unspoken rules that determine whose struggles are addressed and whose are ignored. The way singleness becomes hyper-visible in spaces where we’re told to “come as we are,” but only if we fit into a mold that was never designed with us in mind.
That’s why I always tell people: relationship over religion. Because if you don’t know God for yourself, you will end up equating His character with the failures of His people. If you don’t seek Him outside of church walls, you will mistake institutional silence for divine indifference.
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We have been conditioned to expect stagnation from the church while demanding progress everywhere else. We hold businesses, schools, and governments accountable for failing our communities—but somehow, we excuse the very institution that demands the most from us yet gives the least in return. Why?
Why do we accept that Black women, the backbone of the church, are rarely the beneficiaries of the very prosperity we’re told to sow into?
Why do we expect that leadership positions for women come with silence, not power?
Why do we watch Black women serve faithfully, only to end up burned out, broke, and alone—told that their faith just wasn’t strong enough?
These aren’t attacks; they’re necessary questions. Uncomfortable but urgent conversations. Because faith should not demand our humanity in exchange for belonging. It should not ask us to shrink, to silence our needs, or to bear the weight of entire communities without support.
I still believe in the power of community and the necessity of assembling together. But I will always remind people to know God for themselves—to seek His heart beyond the institution, so they don’t mistake man’s expectations for God’s grace.
Because grace does not demand burnout. Grace does not overlook, silence, or diminish. Grace sees. Grace restores. Grace gives back. And if the church refuses to reflect that, then the church itself has work to do.
This was suchhhh a good read! And great questions that need to be answered! All for the sake of “not forsaking assembly” huh? Isn’t that something. Enduring all this, plus a pastor who may or may not be (the latter is more often than not) actually teaching + preaching the Word of God, purely. Because both Acts 7:48 & Acts 17:24 clearly state that God does not dwell in temples made with hands, because He knew how corrupt they were and would continue to be. Why don’t people believe that means church buildings? He wants to dwell in our hearts— that He made with HIS hands, as WE are the church, the body. I fellowship with believers all over the country through a conference phone line that meets *every* night except Saturday. Intimate, relational, fellowship. True studying, teaching and preaching of the Bible. It’s beautiful! No building involved and we’ve even met on zoom for Passover, etc.
I know that there was a time, specifically during actual slavery, when being in the church was a necessity to keep fighting the good fight of faith. But honestly, once that was finally over… the role of the church had a lot more to do with politics and indoctrination than it did preaching the WORD and living how He intended.
Not to mention spending so much time in the church while not actually having a heart & attitude that shows the faith, love & belief claimed to have. I mean, wow. It’s so much to be said about the Black church fr. But I’ll end with this. Jesus told us through our brother Paul, come out from among them and be ye separate. Jesus didn’t come to bring religion, He came to teach Kingdom and invite us to the Kingdom of God. And kingdom & religion simply don’t mix!
This was a lot lol but thanks for writing this! Let’s keep exploring and uncovering / sharing these truths. 🩵🩵🩵
This is so sad. Thank you for sharing the perspective of a Black Woman in the church.
I did not grow up in the church, though I was exposed to several aspects of it in my younger years. But I was a hardcore atheist at a point, softened into an agnostic theist, and more recently have developed an unshakeable faith.
However, my faith only got to where it was because of doubt. I experienced a somewhat similar thing to you in my journey to find Christ, although I know I’m privileged as a man. But I felt that most religious spaces I went to did not create space for doubt. Without realizing that doubt is where faith becomes living.
I hopped around from the Presbyterians to the Baptists to the Quakers. And one common theme I found was the element of control. Obviously to lesser degrees in some places, but I felt an element of control everywhere I went. I just didn’t feel the freedom to say what I really thought and felt.
I recently wrote a series of posts examining the dynamics of love and control (please check it out if you’d like! It’ll give this comment so much more context). And while I hated control at first, I began to realize its necessity for living in a finite existence.
Basically, they are yin and yang. And what I gather from your post is that the Black church is beginning to create an upset in that balance, erring more on the side of control than love. Based on your description, I think it’s up to us to restore that balance. To speak up and fight for the rights of all the oppressed, just as is done throughout the Bible.
It just saddens me that in this case, the “oppressed” are our own women. I will be reflecting on your post a bit more.
I knew I came to Substack for a reason. This is where the real party is. Let’s talk about this!!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽