and, honestly, i was just scared...
...a free write as one of the characters from the novel i'm writing.
and honestly…I was just scared…
of being forgotten. scared of being a memory for someone. scared of having someone become a memory for me. it was fear that kept me holding on to something that was no longer serving me. fear of the unknown. fear of the what-ifs. i didn’t know how to embrace the reality that all things end. all. things. even the things that feel like forever. or especially the things that feel like forever. oh, i was holding on for dear life and even life isn’t eternal. to concede is terrifying. the belief is that you make room for things more aligned with who you are. but, the journey to that alignment often looks like punishment. longing. maybe even loneliness. i didn’t want to walk through that again. i wanted to bypass it. if i could. maybe, if i held on a little longer, we would see that we were the best option for each other. maybe you’d see me more clearly and my sight, for you, would improve too. it was wishful thinking. real love is a fear repellant, is what i’ve come to realize. and there is no room for fearing the ache of loss when love is actually present. you know that the love you have will outlast whatever distance, whatever time, whatever other loves may enter the room. i got to be in that space with you. i got to look at the opposite end of the couch and find you looking back at me, my foot in your hand, smiles creeping across our faces and i got to feel the world stop for us.
that will never leave me, even if you have.
as i prepare to write my third book (first novel) i have been thinking about all the women writers i love and all the books of theirs i’ve read over the years…
…i remembered how I felt when I first read:
She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.
Toni Morrison, ‘Beloved'‘
or
...have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.”
Alice Walker, “The Color Purple”
and i hope that something i write sits on a person’s heart the way their words, and the words of so many others, have sat on mine.