I have been wrapping my mind around an upcoming change in my life that will also include a move away from the home I built for myself here in DC. the story behind how I ended up in this city is one that can be found somewhere between here and here. but my time here has also marked one of the most important eras of my womanhood. one where I truly came face to face with myself. where I leaned on my own strength far less and was ever stronger for it. knowing that I will be leaving this place soon has brought up that all familiar grief that often accompanies transitional periods for me and it made me think of something I once wrote about discovering home again. so, here it is:
Home.
I just got back from visiting Detroit. The place I called home for 17 years. The place I was born. The place I was shaped and molded into the woman I am today. The place that gave me all the confidence and swag I so happily move through the world with. The place I will defend with my last breath as the Blackest and most powerful place to have been born and raised. The place I, honestly, barely even recognize anymore.
The soul of Detroit just feels…gone. The energy that used to pulse through every fiber of the city has been replaced by reminders of gentrification at every turn. The familial warmth that made every person seem like a distant relative rather than a stranger has given way to awkward stares and forced pleasantries from people who couldn’t begin to understand how special the city truly is. We made it special. We gave it the rhythm. We made it the place to be.
And now we seem to have no place it in at all. I don’t even know how I’ll begin to mourn the Detroit I knew. I don’t know how I’ll begin to accept the Detroit that is.
But this isn’t about that, really.
It’s about a moment of realization for me. A realization of how long I’ve been searching for something outside of myself to feel like home. A city. A person. A career. A moment. Something to make me feel safe. Something to say “welcome, enjoy your stay”.
Well…it’s me. I am home.
Looking around the city and not feeling like I belonged there anymore. Thinking about the other city I called home for a decade, Los Angeles, and how that no longer feels like home. And then remembering that I was heading back to another city that I feel no connection to…just put everything in perspective. The temporary satisfaction of driving down a familiar street or pulling up on a familiar face, though comforting, isn’t enough anymore. It was never enough, honestly.
But I am enough. Always have been.
Y’all I had a whole Wizard of Oz ass moment. Everything I’ve been wanting, seeking and reaching for is here. With me. In all the things I’ve gotten so used to taking for granted like my talent, my work ethic, my beauty, my laughter, my heart, my compassion, my anger, my strength, my vulnerability, my ability to forgive. There is no location, no partner, no new goal—-no thing that is home outside of myself. It’s all been right in here all this time. Home is, quite literally, wherever I am. The same is true for all of us. Things fade. Relationships shift and, at times, end. But what is truer than true is that you are your own best thing. Word to Toni Morrison.
So, if you, like me, have been wondering where you fit in or worrying about where you should be. Or feeling discontented as if you’re blowing in the wind in any number of directions. Get quiet. Get still. What does your soul say? What does your heart whisper to you in the silence? What does that voice that you try so desperately to ignore tell you when you’re alone? Remember that you are the compass. Turn the key and walk through the door of the only home you are born into and will die inside of. Get comfortable there. Take off your shoes. Make yourself a cup of tea. Run a hot bath. Cook a good dinner. Bake yourself a cake. Climb into a bed of your own making that feels absolutely right. Rest in your knowing and your unknowing with the same level of peace. Clarity comes in time not in the distance you put between you and the things you can’t make sense of. Trust me, you’re safe now. Take the courage, the heart and the wisdom you’ve gained while running and breathe now.
No need to click your heels, my love, you’re already home. In fact, you never left.
a few things I read this week that made me think all is not lost:
this little jam about mother Ru
I revisited this absolutely incredible piece by Jazmine Hughes for NYT
and I am currently finishing Alice Walker’s The Way Forward Is With a Broken Heart
I really enjoyed this reminder that home is within you, right next to the part of “you have everything you need within yourself”. One of my intentions is to create a home within myself again that I will always want to live in. ✨